If gravity has taught me anything about my moods; What goes up must come down. I’m scared that I’ll spend the next few days starving myself due to [If I eat I will] vomit anxiety.
"This is the time where you stop telling me how to live my life and start helping me make better decisions."
Shame is the deeply held belief that, at core, there is something wrong with me. So, no matter what I do, or how hard I try, I can never measure up and be good enough. Thus, I expect other people to reject me in the end, and deep down inside I reject myself.
If I have a shame based identity, I am likely to battle with the following feelings:
- · Feeling like a fraud
- · Feeling like I have to cover up all the time
- · Fear of being exposed for who and what I truly am
- · Feeling powerless
- · Feeling as if I don’t have, or deserve, a voice
- · Wishing I could just disappear
- · Feeling vulnerable
- · Feeling very needy – and perhaps too needy, compared to other people
- · Feeling like I always disappoint myself and others.
The “shame bound” person is constantly struggling against these persistent and negative feelings. They are triggered easily, and by innocuous triggers, such as being overlooked or contradicted by a friend. This can then result in a powerful “shame attack” that is so intense that we’re completely paralysed, and completely overwhelmed, by our sense of worthlessness. These debilitating feelings can persist for days, or months.
my life is a joke and i’m not laughing anymore
Ah I’m a mess, help me.
Why? There’s nothing to hang on to when you’ve been made to feel like a second class citizen by those whom you’d assume held you to more importance. This is so fucking stupid.
In three days I have eaten a regular fries from McDonald’s, a slice of lasagna, and a slice of pizza. I’ve cried out the entirety of my body’s liquid content, while also having to deal with my parent’s in house ‘divorce’, my Mother’s smashed iPhone, contemplating hanging myself, and feeling abandoned. I’d love nothing more than to slip into a coma, not that anyone would notice. Bye.