“She is a year ago.
She is the ache in the empty,
the first time you changed your mind
and the last time you were sorry about it.
She is a city sleeping beside you,
warm and vast and familiar, streetlights
yawning and stretching,
and you have never. You have never.
You have never loved someone like this.
She is your first stomach ache.
Your first panic attack and your
favorite cold shower.
A mountain is moving somewhere
inside of you, and her handprints are all over it.
Here. Here. Here, you love her.
In the fractured morning, full of
too tired and too sad, she is the first
foot that leaves the bed.
She is the fight in you, the winning
and the losing battle
floating like a shipwreck in your chest.
When they ask you what your favorite moment is,
You will say Her.
You will always say Her.”—Caitlyn Siehl, Her, Her, Her.
Shame is the deeply held belief that, at core, there is something wrong with me. So, no matter what I do, or how hard I try, I can never measure up and be good enough. Thus, I expect other people to reject me in the end, and deep down inside I reject myself.
If I have a shame based identity, I am likely to battle with the following feelings:
· Feeling like a fraud
· Feeling like I have to cover up all the time
· Fear of being exposed for who and what I truly am
· Feeling powerless
· Feeling as if I don’t have, or deserve, a voice
· Wishing I could just disappear
· Feeling vulnerable
· Feeling very needy – and perhaps too needy, compared to other people
· Feeling like I always disappoint myself and others.
The “shame bound” person is constantly struggling against these persistent and negative feelings. They are triggered easily, and by innocuous triggers, such as being overlooked or contradicted by a friend. This can then result in a powerful “shame attack” that is so intense that we’re completely paralysed, and completely overwhelmed, by our sense of worthlessness. These debilitating feelings can persist for days, or months.
“He may love you. He probably does. He probably thinks about you all the time. But that isn’t what matters. What matters is what he’s doing about it, and what he’s doing about it is nothing. And if he’s doing nothing, you most certainly shouldn’t do anything. You need someone who goes out of their way to make it obvious that they want you in their life.”—I really want you to see this, and just understand. (via daizzle)
In three days I have eaten a regular fries from McDonald’s, a slice of lasagna, and a slice of pizza. I’ve cried out the entirety of my body’s liquid content, while also having to deal with my parent’s in house ‘divorce’, my Mother’s smashed iPhone, contemplating hanging myself, and feeling abandoned. I’d love nothing more than to slip into a coma, not that anyone would notice. Bye.
“I can’t live in my body all the time it feels too much
So if I ever feel far away know I am not gone
I am just underneath my grief
Adjusting the dial on my radio face so I can take this life with all of its love and all of its loss.”—Andrea Gibson, excerpt from “Royal Heart” (via funeralfaerie)